worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
