life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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