Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
