I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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