Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
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