Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
