im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
