Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
