the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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