I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
