Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
