Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize