He disabled his match.com account in front of me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize