Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
