You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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