He had one of those small greek statue penises
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
