dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
