did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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