seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
