I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
