The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
did i just pee glitter
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
