Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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