Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
