I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize