I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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