did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Couch. On fire.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
