In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In other news, I just burned my penis
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
