How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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