listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
