careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
