Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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