Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
