We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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