The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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