Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
