She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
