Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
