new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
