Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
