I hate your face
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
