well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
