she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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