Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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