the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
