Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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