Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
