Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
