But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
