More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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