and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
