Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
