just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
