What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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