tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So squirting runs in the family.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
