I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
