whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize